Elderly Girl helps win the Civil War, then conquers 1890s Paris

    After chopping off her fabulous hair, binding her bounteous breasts, and gluing a mustache above her oh-so-kissable lips, Elderly Girl distinguished herself as a Union soldier during the Civil War. Her fellow troops were so drawn to her heavenly essence, that they theorized they must have been "turned gay" by the stresses of mass slaughter, and they pursued her relentlessly, even during the Battle of Bunker Hill. What a disgrace! While fighting off her own comrades, she avoided killing the enemy by dazzling them into helplessly shooting themselves. She then went South to help with Reconstruction, and was such an adorably tireless advocate, she was named an "honorary Negro," which was the greatest distinction of her life. The rednecks down there leered at her as if she were a meaty ham hock, and smacked their lips as she walked past.
    Exhausted  by the wanton callousness of American men, she boarded a ship to Paris, hoping to discover a whole new world of civility and provocative ideas. Oh dear, that poor girl. It was more of the same:

    All those Romeos called her "Juliette" as a nod to her Shakespearean grandeur, but she really was the same exact Elderly Girl to whom we still look for advice on beauty, fitness,  interior design, conversational brilliance, lying with conviction, mindful eating and sanitary protection. It's a dirty world, ladies. Beware.

Elderly Girl's Secret Passageway to the Role of Global Icon

Soon to be a major motion picture, unless it all falls through.

         Can you imagine frolicking with your sisters through the endless rooms, secret passageways and tropical underworld of this neo-Byzantine castle? Can you imagine wearing anything you wanted from any of the cool boutiques inside? Isn't it like every little girl's dream come true? You may think it helps explain Elderly Girl's confidence, her splendor, her sense of freedom, style and beauty. But the truth is much more complicated.
    Elderly Girl was conceived, born and lived in the Kronstantinople Bazaar, the most splendid mall on Earth. It's hard to believe, but she was a rather stupid child. Her three big sisters were brilliant and brave -- true originals. So why was it she who became a Planetary Phenomenon? It's an epic tale that will captivate the human race forever. 

Daddy conquered everything, until he met Mama

Daddy was from a swashbuckling, hard-fighting, hard-drinking breed of Cossacks. 
His story will be part of the forthcoming movie based on "Elderly Girl's Secret Passageway."

      The genesis of the Kronstantinople Bazaar is unquestionably one of the great mysteries of American history. Actually, it is one of the very few authentic mysteries that even exists in this coarse, materialistic,  literal country, which has such a short and stupid memory. There is no magic here! SUVs and greasy bags of "fast food," dumbed-down TV and sports. There is no wonderment, no nuance. There is no soulfulness, except among our beautiful black people.  

     You go to other countries, you will find depth and passion, conviction and pride, even among the simplest peasants. Each of them actually has a philosophy! They know their place in this throbbing universe, and it gives their lives a humble majesty that few Americans can even comprehend. 

Global Panel Selects Elderly Girl to be "The First Immortal"

"Fountain of Eternal Life" by Marshall Fredericks.

    Every couple of years, Elderly Girl is awakened from her luxuriant slumber by a 3:30 a.m. phone call. Her wavy hair gleams, her cheeks are adorably rosy, but in her eyes there is exasperation. It must be Stockholm ringing again to announce that she's won the Nobel Peace Prize. Please, people! Elderly Girl has been rousted by these annoying intrusions about 40 times in the past 85 years. Every time, she has politely declined. She doesn't like prizes. She resents them. She rejects them! They're trinkets that cheapen one's accomplishments and taint one's motivations. Her wish is to solve problems, not to be celebrated. She was preparing to say "NO THANK YOU!"  yet again, until a gentleman with an East European accent told her she had been selected to be "The First Immortal."

THE DELILAH PARADOX: Elderly Girl Takes it All Off

    "Don't cry, Mama  -- it will grow back in no time," Elderly Girl says, holding her ever-tinier old mother in her arms. God, that woman's tears can rip you to shreds. Elderly Girl does not enjoy having to be maternal. It gets in the way of her lust for drama.
   As most of you are are aware, Elderly Girl had perhaps the most beautiful and celebrated hair on Earth. Even so, the urge to liberate herself from it -- to be "nude on top" --  has stalked her for decades. It was a complex impulse -- Elderly Girl's favorite kind. Now that she has succumbed, she has been Born Again. Her radiance is positively blinding.

Holy Sheet! Elderly Girl Could Lie Here Forever!

    Each morning, when Elderly Girl awakes, there is a smile on her lips and a flush on her cheeks.  How could there not be -- she is lying lavishly in a Wildflower Meadow, with undertones of Summer Rain.

    Her sheets smell like the 1960s. Does anybody out there remember those days? There were vacant lots everywhere that we called “meadows.” You could slip deep inside, beneath a tree with your teenage boyfriend, and kiss for hours amid flowery, grassy dewyness.

    And now some genius has immersed Elderly Girl once again in that ecstatic era. Thank you, sir! Her wrinkled loins are tingling poignantly.

"Non-Scents!" Elderly Girl Declares

Our Seductively Scented World Commits a Fragrant Foul

     Every morning, whether it’s hot and muggy or blizzarding snow, Elderly Girl goes jogging in the dark, while the whole world, it seems, is still sleeping.

    Once in awhile, as she is running blind along a residential street, she suddenly smells the odor of men’s cologne. Immediately, her blood runs cold. Any guy who’s skulking around out there is a little bit scary, but the ones who have perfumed themselves for the occasion seem particularly sinister.

    That is how Elderly Girl has come to view the chemical-fragrance industry: It’s hidden in the shadows, plotting its next assault on our bodies.

Elderly Girl's Ravishing Secrets to High-Spirited Longevity

     Elderly Girl is not even 100 years old yet, but for years, the media have been showing up every time she has a birthday to ask, “What is the secret of your longevity?” 

    Have you ever had some TV reporter, drowning in perfume and made up like a porn star, enter your living quarters and ply you with patronizing, intrusive questions while a gang of technical gorillas blinds you with lights and zooms in like you were some newly discovered virus? Elderly Girl is serving notice that this annual ritual is over. 

    She will share her secrets right now, for all to print out and tape to their boudoir doors, and then she will disappear, forevermore, from the tawdry spotlight of celebrity. One can only tolerate so much curiosity, envy and love.

FOREVER YOUNG: Elderly Girl Tells the Fans How It's Done

    Elderly Girl adores elderly people. They exude a sweetness and softness that is quite special. They have a vulnerability that is touching. They have patience, bravery and wisdom.

    Elderly Girl is glad they exist.

    She just doesn’t want to be one of them.

    Instead, she has become a kick-ass person, a hell-raiser, an enigma, a renegade. Much to her surprise, she has turned back the clock, becoming stronger and more luscious than ever.   

Elderly Girl's Sacred Garden of Red Orchids

In your tummy, there is a lush shrine to the bittersweetness of life.

                                                             Painting by Danuta Kania

   As Elderly Girl has informed you dear women before, she insists on having her "time of the month," even though she has been post-menopausal for eons. To be honest, it is pretty much always her time of the month, and, to quote the great soul songstress Ella Fitzgerald, "It Ain't Nobody's Business But My Own."
    She believes it is her biological prerogative to burst into tears, punch holes in walls, lay up all day with the covers over her head, and walk out on an irritating man, slamming the door behind her (preferably after throwing a drink in his face). Then she screeches off in her yellow convertible Miata. To quote the great blues songstress Billie Holiday, "Ain't Nobody's Business if I Do."

Elderly Girl Transforms Getting Old into a Sexy New Fad

Thank god, bladder incontinence has become trendy. It's about time!

Elderly Girl inspired billions of people to regard elderliness as alluring, sassy and brilliant. Now, hundreds of profit-mad companies have succumbed to her voluptuous wisdom by creating products that have turned 80-year-olds into the new hip-hop generation.

Elderly Girl

 

     She wears a tight white men's tank top and Bart Simpson boxer shorts as she pumps iron to the music of teen love, loss and party-time spirit. She chews gum like Britney Spears and wears cherry Chapstick -- the kind that Katy Perry kissed once, and liked it. Occasionally she glances at the phone, as if waiting for the team captain to call and ask her to the prom. She closes her eyes, taking in the tunes, while she does the military press. She's got the kind of arms you see on savage workout infomercials, but almost never in person. She is euphorically tranced-out from whatever chemicals course through your veins when your muscles are in "resistance" mode. Just when she thinks she can't do any more reps, the hit song "Grenade" fills her "workout dungeon," and  Bruno Mars' soaring love keeps her going.

   What is wrong with this picture?

She doesn't love Barack, but she'll ravish Romney anyway

The Hemerocallis Day Lily, "Seductress," is dedicated to Elderly Girl.

    Decade after decade, the Democratic National Committee has asked Elderly Girl to give the opening prayer at its presidential conventions. Haven't they gotten it though their crazy little heads yet that Elderly Girl is a full-blown atheist? God! I mean, not God, but Jesus! Or really not him, either. Ralph Nader! He has been our heroine's fiance since 1970, and he will always be the closest thing she has to a deity.

Elderly Girl's Seductive Plot to Save the Republic from Romney

Move over, Monica Lewinsky.

      It appears that Mitt and Barack are in a statistical "dead heat" (who dreamed up that vulgar term -- some necrophiliac?) (although "neck and neck" isn't any better -- way too intimate -- practically gay!) (and "horse race" really should be "whore's race." They're both turning tricks for money. It's a disgrace.)

    Ann Romney, who seems scarier and more Stepford wifey than she used to, recently said in a network interview, "I believe in my heart that Mitt is going to save America."

    That was when Elderly Girl knew that she must Save America herself. Seducing Mitt  would certainly end his "run," which is really more of a skitter. She would be the Devil in a Blue Dress -- a la Monica Lewinsky -- and within minutes, it would be over. Pop Goes the Weasel for the Romney campaign.

Get arrested! It's fun, it's sexy, and it's the right thing to do

    Elderly Girl does not generally promote the work of other do-gooders. She is way too busy doing her own goodness, all over this dear planet of ours, to serve as anyone else's publicity agent.
    But Washingtonian Lawrence McDonald has launched a project that all Baby Boomers should consider joining. He advocates that we engage in civil disobedience to promote action on climate change. Why Boomers? Because we allowed this huge catastrophe to happen, people. Look at what we've done to our beautiful Earth. We messed up bad! And we haven't "retired" from messing up.

Assault on Alzheimer's: A 'brainstormy' battle plan

    In an upcoming post, Elderly Girl will offer a detailed proposal for waging war on Alzheimer's disease, since it seems that no one who is actually qualified to take charge has done so. We need one of those "czars," without the stupid title, who would coordinate everything. Would "Brainiac" work?
    This needs to be a mass assault, a top national priority (like the moon landing), using a multi-pronged approach. It needs to be a bit crazy and loose and collaborative and all brainstormy, making use of crowdsourcing, which we have seen to be so effective at solving so many other, very diverse, problems. Let's get as many intellects -- and as many disciplines -- involved as we can.
    We're all just sitting around, while precious human beings suffer terribly, waiting for Big Pharma to find a way to make hundreds of billions of dollars off of this mess. They're screwing up -- and why should we let them exploit this tragedy anyway? We can handle it!
    Elderly Girl's blueprint is radical, colorful and in some respects illegal. Too bad! Perhaps much of it is naive as well, but Elderly Girl can't be a renowned expert on everything. One thing she is an expert on, though, is kicking butt. Let's get them in gear, dear friends, especially the geeks and the hippies!

Regarding Alzheimer's: Let's blow Big Pharma's mind, and expand our own

I can see for miles and miles.

     Has it ever occurred to you that dementia might be one of the most colorful and liberating phases of your life?  Of course it hasn't -- because you aren't Elderly Girl! Who else would come up with such an outlandish proposition? 
    Certainly not the pharmaceutical companies. Despite hundreds of billions in taxpayer dollars, their research has  failed spectacularly to provide any real hope. Their best efforts have not only been ineffective -- they have also come, of course, with terrible side-effects and outrageous price tags. 
    Screw them! We don't need them! We can figure this out ourselves. The remedies have been out there for thousands of years.
    Among other strategies, we will ingest MIND-EXPANDING DRUGS in order to defeat a MIND-SHRINKING DISEASE. Does this not make perfect sense?